Changes, Prayers, People, and Feelings
Writing this blog feels like going to confession. I don’t feel guilty, but definitely as though I’ve neglected a major part of my life for a little too long. Back in March, my life started going batshit crazy and I believed it would stop.
Little did I know, it would not.
Many people that I thought would be around for the rest of my life disappeared at the drop of a hat.
People I respected and followed as spiritual gurus/mentors, who preached love, kindness, and acceptance above all treated me with anything but.
People I loved and gave everything to treated me as if everything I did wasn't good enough and never would be.
All of these life altering events left me thinking, what could I have done differently?
Maybe if I would have done this? If I only did that! Maybe things would be different...
The fact of the matter is that none of it would be different, because in these situations there's nothing more or anything less I could've done. I couldn't have given more of my love, spent anymore time, or offered anymore money.
So what was I to do?
Like the Empress I believed I had everything I wanted and needed. I had beautiful friends, amazing family, friends across the world, and so much more, yet something didn't feel right. Actually, I didn't feel anything at all. For all of my hard work, dedication, and patience it just wasn't right. I trusted the World and knew that it would lead me where I needed to go.
Just like that my foolproof life fell apart, much like the Tower. Everything I worked and planned on vanished into nothingness.
So I returned to what I knew.
I began to take care of me, which was something I forgot to do for quite some time. I learned to love myself again. I relearned that no one else can make me feel anything I don't want to feel.
I started working on the life I desired.
Then again everything changed...
I'm a firm believer in the power and guidance of the Universe. When It has plans for you, there's no way to avoid it.
Little did I know the Universe would bring me someone who would put my spiritual beliefs and practices to the test. So let me share what I've learned...
Prayer is a lifestyle. When I surrendered everything that was happening to me up to the Universe, I prayed that everything would work out for everyone's best. Instead of looking at my life like the Universe gave up on me, I looked at it as though the best was yet to come. Don't treat prayer like a spare tire. If you're going to pray, pray every day.
How do you want to feel? Seriously, how do YOU want to feel? The amazing Danielle Laporte's "The Desire Map" literally helped me map out how I want to feel every. single. minute. of. my. life. This book came into my life when I started to not feel anything, and for her wise words I'm grateful.
Vindictive. I could look at all of these events as bad things that happened to me, lash out, and be a crazy raving loony. I could! Or I could let peace begin with me and surrender up the outcome to the higher power. Trust me, the latter is a lot less work, yet much more rewarding.
Finally...
Like The Magician, I have everything I need. I know I don't know everything, hell I just turned 21, but I do know that I am where I need to be. I know that I'm experiencing everything I'm supposed to, to get where I'm supposed to be.